Waking up at 3am every night

You wake up. It's dark, the house is silent, and before you even know what time it is, your mind is already at work. Waking up like this, night after night, wears you down.

What you do in the evening may change what happens at 3am. Below is a slow breathing practice for the evening, and what to do when you wake anyway.

If you're reading this at 3am, start here: what to do right now. You don't need to fix your whole sleep routine tonight.

Why you wake up at 3am

First, something that may help you relax a little: brief awakenings during the night are normal. We sleep in cycles of about 90 to 120 minutes (Cleveland Clinic), and most of us slip back down between them without noticing.

The trouble starts when you come up to the surface and your mind is waiting for you. It's like a phone that was on silent all evening and suddenly turns every notification back on. One worry, then the next, then a plan for tomorrow, then a memory from ten years ago.

A few things make this more likely:

• A body still in day mode. Going to bed stressed can make it harder to stay asleep.
• Alcohol in the evening. It's a common reason for waking in the early hours. More in anxiety after drinking.
• Caffeine, even from the afternoon. See caffeine, anxiety and sleep.
• Hormones. In perimenopause, sleep can change. More on that in perimenopause anxiety at night.

Why it's always around the same time

There's nothing magic about 3am. Your body packs as much deep sleep as it can into the first part of the night, and that leaves less deep sleep for the second half of the night (Cleveland Clinic). So that's when waking up is easiest. If your bedtime is fairly regular, you may well surface at a similar hour.

Ordinary things can pull you up too: a partner's alarm, a heater clicking on, needing the bathroom.

What used to happen to me

Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind started racing. It was so hard to quiet it that I had to get up and start my day, even though I already felt exhausted early in the morning.

Since I started meditating before sleep, this hasn't happened again. Now, if I wake up, even just to go to the bathroom, I fall asleep again as soon as I'm back in bed.

That's why this page starts in the evening, not at 3am. Slow breathing is one simple way to settle before sleep.

Try this now: 10 minutes of slow breathing before sleep

This is called slow or resonant breathing. The doctors Patricia Gerbarg and Richard Brown used it with patients with anxiety. Their rhythm was about 5.5 seconds in and 5.5 seconds out, roughly 5 to 6 breaths a minute. Their patients benefited from as little as 5 to 10 minutes a day, and that 5 or 6 seconds works too. So here we use an easy 5 in, 5 out.

1. Lie down in bed, lights off. Hands on your belly or by your sides.
2. Breathe in through your nose for about 5. Slow and soft, from the belly up.
3. Breathe out through your nose for about 5. Same speed, same softness.
4. Don't hold the breath. Let one breath flow into the next, like a slow wave on the beach. A small natural pause is fine.
5. Keep going for 10 minutes. If 5 feels too long, count 4 in and 4 out on your own, without the timer.

If focusing on your breath makes you more alert or tense, open your eyes and just let each breath out be a little longer than the breath in.

How long: 10 minutes. Give it a couple of weeks before you judge it. One evening won't tell you much. How often: once at bedtime. It's a habit more than a rescue, so try to make it part of every evening.

Do it with the 10-minute slow breathing timer.

Keep the breath small. A slow breath should feel easy and light, not like a deep-breathing exercise.

When you wake up anyway

Some nights you'll still wake up. That's fine. Here's an order to try:

Don't check the clock, and don't start the day in your head. The first thought will try to pull you into planning. Let it go past.

Go straight back to the breath. The same slow rhythm, 5 in, 5 out, or a little shorter if you're wound up. If you've practiced it in the evening, it already feels familiar, and that makes it easier to slip back into.

Notice the bed under you. The weight of your body, the pillow, the warmth of the blanket. It's 3am and there's nothing to do, so let the bed hold you.

If you're wide awake after a long while, get up for a bit, keep the light low, no phone, and come back when you feel sleepy. Before you get back in, do a few minutes of slow belly breathing.

FAQ

Is it normal to wake up at 3am every night?

Waking briefly between sleep cycles is normal. Being wide awake at the same time every night, with your mind racing, is common but not something you have to accept. Look at your evenings first: alcohol, caffeine, screens, and stress.

How do I fall back asleep at 3am?

Don't check the clock and don't start planning. Breathe slowly, about 5 seconds in and 5 out, and feel the bed under you. It's usually easier if you've practiced the same breath at bedtime.

Why do I wake up at 3am with anxiety?

Often because you went to bed with your body still in day mode. When you surface between sleep cycles, an anxious mind fills the silence. Calming the body before sleep is the place to start.

Keep going

• Slow breathing: the full technique with a timer.
• Anxiety at night: why it gets worse when you lie down.
• How to stop overthinking at night: when the replay starts.
• Free 10-minute practice for the moment you turn the light off.

Sources: J. Nestor, Breath (Gerbarg and Brown, slow breathing at about 5.5 breaths a minute, 5 to 10 minutes a day, 5 or 6 seconds is fine) · M. Pistono, Breathe How You Want to Feel (sleep habits) · J. Hall, Breathe (lying-down breath awareness) · Cleveland Clinic: Sleep basics · Alessio's own experience.